Tesco Self-Checkout Machines Start Offering Crypto Investment Advice

Please scan your bananas, then short Ethereum.

By Hannah Reed – Food & Finance Satirist

Unexpected Advice in Aisle Three

For years, Tesco shoppers have fought battles with self-checkout machines. From “unexpected item in the bagging area” to endless demands for age verification on wine, the machines have frustrated and entertained in equal measure. But this week, the self-checkouts in several London stores surprised customers in a new way. Between scanning milk and bread, the machines allegedly began offering crypto investment advice.

One customer reported hearing, “Please scan your next item. Also, consider diversifying into stablecoins.” Another swore the machine told him, “Buy bananas, not Bitcoin.” Shoppers quickly shared recordings online, turning the rumour into a national meme.

Fake or Real?

The headline sparked instant confusion. On TikTok, polls asked if Tesco really updated its software to include crypto commentary. Forty-eight percent voted real. “Feels legit,” one user wrote. “Tesco already controls my diet, might as well manage my portfolio.” Another replied, “Fake, but the machines are bossy enough to do it.”

The uncertainty only amplified the humour. For many, the story felt believable because self-checkouts already lecture people more than human cashiers ever did.

Meme Avalanche

Within hours, meme accounts across London flooded feeds. One viral image showed a Tesco screen flashing, “Unexpected dip in your portfolio.” Another pictured the familiar robotic voice declaring, “Please place Dogecoin in the bagging area.”

TikTok creators staged parodies in actual Tesco aisles. In one clip, a shopper scanned pasta, only for the machine to yell, “Liquidate now!” The video racked up over a million views.

Top Comments from the Internet

• “Finally, financial advice I can actually afford.”
• “My machine told me to buy Ripple. I knew it was trolling.”
• “Unexpected item in the bear market.”

Customer Reactions

Some shoppers laughed it off as a glitch or prank. Others claimed the advice was surprisingly accurate. One woman in Croydon said, “The machine told me to avoid meme coins. I wish I’d heard that two years ago.”

In Hackney, a group of students reportedly hung around self-checkouts for hours, hoping to record more financial tips. Their best catch? “Tesco recommends staking Clubcard points for maximum yield.”

Corporate Silence

Tesco declined to comment, which only made the rumour stronger. A short statement claimed, “Our self-checkout machines do not provide financial advice.” But by then, screenshots of crypto-themed checkout messages had already gone viral.

Even The Financial Times joined the fun with a satirical column titled “Tesco Self-Checkout Outperforms Hedge Funds.”

Why It Resonates

The joke works because it highlights real frustrations. Everyday shopping already feels expensive in 2025. If the self-checkouts started lecturing about markets, it would only add insult to injury. At the same time, it reflects a truth: people trust robots with basic advice more than politicians or bankers.

One economics lecturer at LSE noted, “If consumers believe Tesco screens could guide them better than the Bank of England, that says everything about public confidence.”

Satirical Vision of the Future

Imagine a Britain where every self-checkout becomes a mini financial advisor. “Unexpected crash in your savings.” “Please insert loyalty card before entering a bear market.” Even meal deals could come with token bonuses.

A parody advert already circulates online. It shows a family happily shopping as the machine chirps, “Two for one on pasta, three for two on NFTs.” The slogan reads: “Every little trade helps.”

Conclusion

Whether Tesco’s self-checkout machines really dispensed crypto advice or not hardly matters anymore. The meme has already lodged itself into Britain’s imagination. It reflects both the absurdity of modern retail and the chaos of financial life.

So the next time you scan groceries, listen carefully. Between beep sounds and bagging errors, you might hear your portfolio’s fate. And remember, in 2025, financial literacy might just start in aisle three.

By Hannah Reed – Food & Finance Satirist
hannah.reed@londonews.com