Canary Wharf Brokers Blame Mercury Retrograde for Quarterly Losses

London, UK — Canary Wharf’s trading floors descended into astrological chaos this week as brokers blamed Mercury retrograde—rather than market fundamentals—for a string of disastrous quarterly results.

Brokers Turn to the Stars

Several top firms missed revenue targets, citing “cosmic headwinds” and “planetary volatility” in their investor calls. One managing director admitted, “We hedged against inflation, we hedged against interest rates, but we forgot to hedge against Mercury in Libra.”

Screens across Canary Wharf briefly displayed not just stock tickers but horoscopes, with interns reportedly tasked with charting natal alignments for FTSE-listed companies.

Market Meets Mystic

The trend started after a leaked memo from a major bank’s research desk claimed Mercury retrograde could “distort liquidity flows and weaken sterling sentiment.” Traders, already battered by rising rates and crypto downturns, clung to the theory as a convenient scapegoat.

One broker confessed, “Honestly, it’s easier to blame Mercury than admit I mispriced BananaCoin futures.”

Investors React Skeptically

Institutional investors weren’t convinced. A hedge fund manager in Mayfair scoffed, “If my pension is being managed by astrologers, I’m moving it to Greggs Sausage RollCoin.”

Still, retail investors latched onto the idea, with TikTok influencers promoting “astro-trading” as the next frontier in finance. The hashtag #MercuryMarkets trended as memes of constellations shaped like candlestick charts went viral.

Politicians Pile In

Parliament quickly seized on the absurdity. One MP mocked the City’s new fixation, declaring, “Perhaps next quarter we should consult tarot cards before setting fiscal policy.”

The Treasury issued a cautious statement reminding financial institutions that “planetary motion is not recognized under UK accounting standards.”

Astrologers Cash In

London astrologers, meanwhile, are seeing booming demand. Booking platforms reported a surge in “corporate star chart” requests, with some firms paying thousands for guidance on whether to go long on Mars or short on Saturn.

A Shoreditch-based astrologer told reporters, “I warned them not to invest during retrograde. They didn’t listen. Now look at the FTSE.”

Analysts Warn of Slippery Slope

Economists warned that blaming celestial alignments could undermine confidence in London as a global financial hub. “If traders start timing bond auctions based on horoscopes, the City will lose credibility faster than a meme coin,” said an LSE professor.

The Final Word

Despite the ridicule, many brokers remain steadfast in their cosmic convictions. One trader summed it up: “Markets don’t move on fundamentals anymore—they move on vibes. And right now, the vibes are retrograde.”

As one viral tweet joked: “Forget technical analysis. The stars say sell.”