Crypto Traders Blame Mercury Retrograde for Price Dumps

Astrology charts outperform Wall Street analysts yet again.

By Oliver Hayes – Meme Economy Correspondent

The Market Meets the Stars

London traders woke up to another crypto bloodbath this week. Bitcoin tumbled, altcoins sank, and the memes practically wrote themselves. The usual suspects like inflation, interest rates, and regulation were left untouched. Instead, blame was pointed directly at Mercury going retrograde.

In Telegram groups, astrology memes circulated faster than liquidation alerts. Screenshots of moon charts were suddenly more convincing than Bloomberg terminals. For many young investors, the stars felt more reliable than central banks.

Traders Turned Stargazers

One viral TikTok from Shoreditch showed a crypto influencer pointing to the night sky with a laser pointer. His caption read: “See that shiny dot? That’s why your portfolio is wrecked today.” The video racked up a million views before London coffee shops even opened.

Reddit threads piled in with speculation. One post declared, “Forget technical analysis, Mercury is the only resistance level that matters.” Another user replied, “Finally, astrology gives me an excuse that my girlfriend believes.”

Fake or Real?

The headline spread like wildfire across X. Users launched instant polls asking whether planetary movements could really be the hidden driver of Bitcoin’s volatility.

Top vote-getting response: “It makes more sense than half the crypto newsletters I read.”

Another response went viral with 20,000 likes: “Markets are irrational. Astrology is irrational. It fits perfectly.”

Whether fake or real, the joke became a market narrative of its own. Traders were genuinely watching the stars for guidance, if only because nothing else was working.

Wall Street Analysts Left Behind

Traditional financial analysts struggled to keep up. JP Morgan’s report on “macro headwinds” paled in comparison to a meme about Mercury holding bags of Dogecoin. In one London trading room, interns taped horoscopes to Bloomberg screens as a protest against endless “macro updates.”

By lunchtime, some analysts gave up entirely. One admitted anonymously: “If clients want astrology, we’ll sell astrology. At least it’s cheaper than another macro report no one reads.”

Top Comments from the Internet

• “At least the stars don’t rug pull you.”
• “I asked my horoscope if I should buy the dip. It said, Avoid financial decisions. I ignored it and now I’m broke.”
• “So Mercury wrecked my coins, but can it fix my dating life too?”

Meme Culture Takes Over London

Across the city, pubs buzzed with the same joke: was Mercury secretly shorting Bitcoin? Satirical newspapers printed mock horoscopes for traders. One read, “Your moon is in Gemini, which means your wallet is in despair.”

Astrology memes even seeped into financial conferences. A speaker in Canary Wharf presented a slide with planetary charts, only to reveal it was pulled straight from a meme account. The audience laughed, but some quietly took notes.

A New Market Indicator?

As silly as it sounds, some data suggests traders are half-serious. Search results for “Mercury retrograde Bitcoin” spiked 300 percent on Google Trends. Astrology apps reported new subscriptions from users who listed “crypto trading” as their main interest.

A meme posted on Instagram summed up the mood: “Wall Street has FOMO, London has FUD, but the universe always has retrograde.”

Conclusion

Whether Mercury retrograde truly caused crypto prices to tank or not is irrelevant. The fact that thousands of traders are looking up at the stars instead of balance sheets shows just how chaotic the market feels in 2025.

In a world where financial institutions lose credibility by the day, even astrology feels like a safer bet. Fake or real, Mercury has become the market’s favorite scapegoat.

So next time your portfolio nosedives, don’t call your broker. Just check the stars and maybe light a candle.

By Oliver Hayes – Meme Economy Correspondent
oliver.hayes@londonews.com